Pregnancy After Loss Guide

Dear Halo Mumma....

When to try again?

This is such a deeply personal decision with ALOT of influencing factors such as emotional, physical and practical readiness.

You may even feel some guilt around the desire to have another baby, I certainly did! Although you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, this is a completely normal and common feeling. It's why I added the following positive affirmation to the Halo Mumma affirmation cards:

"The love I have for my angel baby will never be replaced... To hope for another baby is an expression of my love."

It may also take some time for your partner to feel ready to try again which can cause tension on the relationship (please know this is completely normal and the best advice I can give is to keep openly communicating with your partner and seek counseling together if required.)

It is important to gain medical advice from your treating medical provider re: when to try again as every loss is different so therefore everyone's medical advice on when to try again will be different too. If you google it- the world health organization recommends waiting 6 months post miscarriage to try again however this is very generalized and most health care providers will recommend waiting only 3 months or even less.

One big obvious question is "when will my normal cycle return?" ... the research shows that most women will have their cycle back between 1 and 2 months post loss- see your health care provider if you have not had a period return after 2 months.

It is REALLY important to look after your mental health during this time period... trying to conceive post loss can be all consuming and very very lonely! TTC post loss was my absolute darkest hardest time, even harder than pregnancy post loss if I'm honest! Don't forget to do things that fill your cup, surround yourself with a good support network that you can openly talk to about the TTC process. I would also highly recommend putting yourself out there in support groups and finding a friend who is also going through TTC post loss- talking about it with someone who truly understands it is invaluable.

For the Mumma who is "stuck in limbo":

For some Halo Mummas', there is a waiting period between when you WANT to try to conceive (TTC) again and when you actually CAN. I affectionately (not so affectionately) call this being "stuck in limbo".

For me personally- my husband and I decided that we wanted the autopsy results back before we TTC again because we were far too anxious to try again without any answers as to why we had lost our twins. I needed confirmation that this wouldn't happen again (of course I realize now that that is impossible to give). I DESPERATELY wanted to try again... but the autopsy report took 11 agonizing months to be returned to us!! Those 11 months were SO hard on my mental health, I felt so stuck in limbo- I wanted to move forward with my life but felt I couldn't.

It felt like I was the only person in the world stuck in that awful place, it really wasn't spoken about much at all both in real life and in the online support groups.

Whatever the reason is for your "limbo"- it is likely one of the hardest waits you will ever endure. Be gentle with yourself Mumma- you're doing an amazing job and just remember that there are other Halo Mumma's out there also enduring "limbo" with you no matter how lonely you feel.

To get through "limbo" I found positive affirmations very helpful to shift my "stuck" mindset and keep stress at bay- I've included lots of affirmations for dealing with "limbo before TTC" in the Halo Mumma Positive Affirmations card deck.

Try to remember that waiting IS productive even when it doesn't feel like it- everyday you are one day closer to your rainbow baby.

"Limbo" Mummas'- we see you, we feel you, we love you!

Seeing those two lines again:

When I finally saw those two positive lines again post loss I was.... underwhelmed.

I THOUGHT I'd feel elated, excited- like the first time. But I didn't, and neither did my husband.

Don't get me wrong, I was very grateful to be pregnant again but it was just not what I thought it would be.

I mourned not feeling elated like the first time, I felt guilty that I was underwhelmed.

This is a very common theme when I talk to other Halo Mummas. Please know that if this is also you... these feelings are completely normal.

Feeling these things does not mean you don't love your rainbow baby- It just means you've been through a massive trauma and your brain is trying to come to terms with it.

Common thoughts and feelings:

Pregnancy after loss is honestly a big mash of conflicting emotions.

Love, pain, excitement, fear, grief, hope, loneliness... It's emotionally exhausting.

Please know that opposite emotions can coexist without canceling each other out..

You can feel grief AND happiness.

You can feel hope AND fear.

You can feel apprehension AND excitement.

It is important to honor all your emotions and give yourself permission to feel however you need to.

You also need to give yourself more rest time to recover from the emotional exhaustion!

Come as you are, feel how you feel. Grief is not a problem to solve. You are exactly as you should be.

Managing Stress

Pregnancy after loss is knowing the negative effects of stress on pregnancy and then stressing about your stress... Am I right?!

You might even have a well-meaning health professional try and tell you to "eliminate stress" in pregnancy... (cue eye roll - they've clearly never lost a baby before).

I want you to remember this... Stress during pregnancy after loss CANNOT be eliminated or reduced despite well-meaning advice.

Stress CAN however be acknowledged, honored, and tamed.

By honoring ALL your thoughts and feelings, you can learn how to calm your mind and body DESPITE the stress that you will inevitably still feel.

Easier said than done? Try this trick... next time you feel an uncomfortable emotion I want you to use this quick template to 'name it and tame it'...

"I feel _________.

I feel _________because _________.

_________is a normal and reasonable response because of what I've been through in the past, it is my brains way of trying to protect me in this situation.

Thankyou brain for trying to protect me by making me feel _________.

I acknowledge my _________, and I allow myself to calm by reminding myself that...

Right now, in this moment, I am safe, and my baby is safe."

Notice how you're not trying to deny or suppress the feeling? Just acknowledging it, exploring it, honoring it, and then calming our mind and body DESPITE it. For more evidence based practical stress management tips follow Halo Mumma on Instagram!

For stress management products including positive affirmation cards see our Halo Mumma shop.

Managing "Scanxiety"

If you're a Halo Mumma there's a pretty high chance that you've had some previous trauma related to ultrasounds/ scans etc. When you're pregnant after loss, these scans can therefore bring up a lot of trauma and elicit a pretty strong stress response.

Halo Mummas' often refer to this as "Scanxiety".

Scanxiety affected me massively both before and during my pregnancy after loss (I had to have a lot of post loss ultrasounds due to retained placenta). My scanxiety symptoms were: crying, shaking, shallow breathing, increased heart rate, feeling dizzy, flashbacks, feeling nauseas.

The following is a list of things I found helpful to manage scanxiety:

- Crystals.. yep crystals!!! Sounds too "woo woo" doesn't it? But it helped me so much, hear me out! I took a peach moonstone with me to every scan! I squeezed it so tightly in my palm and I focused on the feeling and weight of it in my hand. It helped distract me from the trauma and ground myself in the present instead of thinking about the past... also for "woo woo" factor- moonstone is meant to have protection properties and aid during pregnancy! You can buy peach moonstones from the Halo Mumma shop.

- Essential oils- I personally used "stress away" from Young Living- I used it during deep breathing and mediation exercises at home so my brain could associate that smell with a sense of calm... then I brought it with me to scans to try and elicit a sense of calm whilst on that ultrasound table... and in my case it worked well! Stress away rollers safe for use in pregnancy are available from our Halo Mumma shop.

- I asked the technician to turn the TV off! In my case, I found that looking at the ultrasound images on the screen to be quite triggering, so I asked the ultrasound technician to turn the screen off or away from me during the scan.

- Deep breathing techniques (in for 3, hold for 4, out for 5).

- Take the day off work (scanxiety is exhausting... give yourself plenty of rest that day).

- Book the scan as early in the morning as possible so you're not waiting in anticipation all day.

- Make sure your partner or a support person is present.

- Tell the technician when you arrive that this is going to be hard for you due to previous trauma... then you can feel free to cry or act however you need to without feeling like you have to "put on a brave face."

Your Birth Matters

Please let me explain something that is empirically backed up by research evidence... your birth plan and your birth choices have a direct impact on your future mental health and physical health.

Birth trauma for Australian mothers is now affecting as many as 1 in 3 women! To top that off... Halo Mumma's unfortunately have a much higher chance of developing post-natal anxiety and depression compared to non-loss mums.

Halo Mumma... you've been through enough trauma in your lifetime already without having to add any more! Putting yourself first will not only benefit you but it will also benefit your rainbow baby... Happy mum equals happy baby!

You can reduce your chances of birth trauma and development of post-natal mental health issues by....

- Having a true physiological birth (this means to birth naturally without any medical interventions) ... this is not going to be for everyone obviously HOWEVER it's important to consider that physiological birth is associated with much lower rates of birth trauma.

- Take a birth education class to educate yourself on birth, interventions, risks and benefits of birth intervention choices. This will help you put together a birth preferences list. I recommend doing a course outside of just the standard hospital course - these will give you more information on how to achieve a true physiological birth.

- Think about what kind of rainbow baby birth you WANT and put together a birth preferences sheet to show your care provider/ take into the birthing space with you (make sure your birthing partner is also well aware of these preferences).

- Choose a model of care that aligns with your values, needs and preferences- read our "choosing your model of care guide". For example.... If you have decided that you need an elective cesarian to feel safest in the delivery of your rainbow baby, you need to choose a model of care that will support this preference. On the other hand, if you decide you feel safest with a physiological birth, you need to choose a model of care which will give you the best chance at achieving this type of birth.

- Choose a model of care with continuity of care provider... or better yet.... choose a model of care with midwife continuity- read the "choosing your model of care guide" for more info on why.

For some Halo Mummas, there is a waiting period required between when you WANT to try again to when you actually CAN try again.

This could be for many reasons: waiting autopsy results, waiting for the IVF process to start, waiting for medical tests to come back, waiting for your partner to become ready to TTC etc etc.